Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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