so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
