At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
