you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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