HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
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