why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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