from now on my penis is your penis
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
