Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
