i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
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