this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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