the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
