I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
