kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
