Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
