Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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