my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize
