The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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