He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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