obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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