im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
