I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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