I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
