I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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