suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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