Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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