DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
