I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
