; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
