well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
