Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
