the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
