I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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