He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
