Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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