you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
