i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
