His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
