I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
how drunk are you?
Several
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
