Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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