You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
