oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
