I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
