So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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