So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
