worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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