After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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