She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
