Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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