If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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