Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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